How to suggest a private questionnaire without pressure
Explain which conversation you hope a questionnaire will help with, then let the other person look at it before deciding. Offer a conversation or short list as an alternative. They should be able to decline the tool or a sensitive topic without having to defend that choice.
Explain why you are suggesting it
Perhaps you keep missing practical subjects, want time to think independently, or find it easier to write before speaking. Say that when you suggest the questionnaire. Explain what would help you, without presenting it as a test the other person should pass.
- For practical expectations
- I would like us to cover dates, support and privacy properly. Would a questionnaire help us think first, or would you prefer talking through a short list?
- For time to reflect
- I sometimes need time to find my answer. Would you be interested in answering separately and discussing what we each choose to share?
- For optional intimacy discussion
- If we both want to talk about intimacy preferences, we could look at a questionnaire first. We can leave that subject out or talk without a tool.
Send information about the tool before sending an invitation you expect them to complete. A person may want to see the questions, privacy explanation or sharing rules without having committed to answering.
Explain the limits before asking for answers
Do not promise anonymity, total secrecy or a particular result. Check what the specific tool stores, what becomes shared, who can access links and how long information remains available. If you cannot explain those points, read the documentation together before deciding.
Even a limited comparison can reveal something about a person’s preferences. Sharing fewer details can reduce disclosure without removing every inference. Avoid saying “you have nothing to lose” when the other person is being asked to provide personal information.
Respond to hesitation or a no
- If they want time
- Of course. There is no deadline from me. We can leave it for now and make our next plans without assuming you will complete it.
- If privacy is the concern
- That makes sense. Let’s check what is stored and shared. We can use a paper list or talk instead.
- If the answer is no
- Okay. I will not send reminders. Would you like to discuss a few practical expectations another way, or leave the conversation here?
The alternative should be real. If you continue implying that refusal means they are dishonest, incompatible or insufficiently interested, the invitation is no longer comfortable to decline. You may need answers to certain practical questions before continuing a relationship, but that does not mean you need their participation in a particular app.
Agree how you would use it together
- Decide which subjects you both want to discuss; do not add sensitive topics as a surprise.
- Give each person private time and space to think. Do not watch their screen or ask them to prove an answer.
- Agree before sharing screenshots, exports or results with anyone else.
- Plan a conversation about what the result can and cannot tell you, rather than treating it as a verdict.
If one person welcomes a practical expectations list but does not want to discuss intimacy through software, choose a practical-only approach or continue offline. Agreeing to discuss support or dates does not mean agreeing to answer intimacy questions.
Keep the result in perspective
A questionnaire organises answers given in a particular context. It does not prove that promises will be kept, diagnose compatibility or predict a relationship’s future. Ask what you still need to understand, and allow either person to correct an assumption or say their preference has changed.
Let's Arrange This is for two adults who have already chosen to explore expectations together. It does not find partners. You can also use the printable expectations checklist without starting an alignment or providing answers to an app.
Sources and further reading
- eSafety Commissioner: Online dating (opens in a new tab)
Practical guidance about personal information, privacy settings, sharing images and controlling behaviour. It does not assess Let's Arrange This.
If a questionnaire would help
Put your own expectations into words.
Answer privately with the partner you’ve chosen, then see where your expectations align and what’s worth discussing. Explore how Let's Arrange This works before deciding whether to use it.